my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
