He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
