I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
