Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
