But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
