I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
