Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
