Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
