If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
