Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
