I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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