i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
