i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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