why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
