I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
