I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
