it wasn't lemon gatorade
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
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Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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