Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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