Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
