im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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