Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
