You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
