dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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