where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
