wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have feelings that need drinking.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could fuck to npr.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
