ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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