Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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