he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
