There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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