i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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