I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
