Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
