if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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