Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
