I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO