Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He shit in the fireplace
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
