he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
