We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize