You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
