Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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