i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
