he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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