remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
