i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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