i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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