I'm lost and stupid without you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
