I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
