I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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