I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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