So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
