You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
vagina is talking i cant
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
