Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize